I would very much appreciate it if you'd read it. It might not seem exactly like what you'd expect to see in this particular community, but it is honest and fairly thorough, which maybe counts for something.
As you'll read, I fancy myself something of an unusual, interesting thing with which someone could hurt him or herself.
I'm young, pretty enough, married, bright, flawlessly polite, and ruthless.
I know how to act in every situation and I always say the right thing.
I know what dishes and glassware to use for what, how to ride and fence, how to pour tea, the secret language of visiting cards, how to write and speak well, and how to read people.
I believe in formalities, I believe in politesse, I believe in keeping-up-appearances...I believe in Doing Things Right.
I'm also a tattooed metalhead with an affinity for The Demon Drink that borders on problematic, and a distinct fondness for substances of various sorts.
I'm brilliant, as well. And a wee bit arrogant, obviously.
Mostly, though, I seem to have a tendency to engage in various imbroglios, destroy lives, act in an utterly mercenary fashion, and just generally function as a dreadful, ravaging, cruel contagion.
Even worse--I make absolutely no apologies whatsoever. The thing is, I'm a certifiable sociopath. I'm incapable of normal human emotions and altruism and empathy, I do not understand the difference between right and wrong, I lack guilt and/or a conscience, and if people knew the things I'm really thinking, they would probably feel fairly horrified and/or as though their soul had been crushed by my thoughtless cruelty.
I prey on people and make my way through life doing so masterfully. My facade of Doing Things Right is the ultimate vehicle...but the thing is, it's getting wretchedly boring.
I'm tired of frightened people, stupid people, close-minded people, easy prey, and people who are convinced that having one or two "unusual" ideas or lifestyle choices makes them worthwhile.
Don't contact me just to inform me of the fact that I'm a cold, arrogant, despicable person. I already know it and have made an informed decision to do absolutely nothing about it for the time being. I am, however, as fun as hell to know. Give it a try if you're sufficiently fierce.
Some thoughts on love, friendship, and other relationships:
I've long theorized that the finest relationship possible isn't this nonsensical, empathetic, unselfish "love" nonsense--it's a sort of dark, depraved power struggle. Something that walks the fine line between utter disregard and complete understanding. I've always been convinced that such a thing is possible and that it could be a sublime thing--a horrible, terrible, consuming, vile, monstrous thing that could take up one's entire life and cause destruction on an epic scale, but I've never found anyone who comes even close to being "Strong Enough" or cold enough or manipulative enough or clever enough to hold up to a prolonged, no-holds-barred, absolutely uncivilized and completely savage relationship/contest of wills with me.
I've as-of-late come to the realization that only another true sociopath/psychopath of sufficient intelligence and absolute mercenary-careless-ruthlessness would be the only person able to understand this concept, be interested in it as an experiment, or attempt to engage in such a thing.
Or, maybe, an exceptionally strong, clever, self-possessed person, who could see through me. But I doubt that someone who possesses emotion and empathy but is yet truly "strong enough" to engage in the aforementioned nightmare with me exists.
I'm convinced that there must be some other APD/Sociopath/Psychopath types out there who are tired of never interacting with someone who is true competition, who actually understands the other side of things. I don't care where in the world you're located--we never even have to meet, but wouldn't a correpsondence be worthwhile? Or, at least, temporarily interesting?
So, bottom line is--that's who I'm looking for. Is there anyone arrogant enough, bold enough, fierce enough, hardened enough, or absolutely-fucking-crazy enough to read everything I wrote above and still want to give getting to know me a try?
You don't have to feel like risking the aforementioned experiment with me, either. I'm not asking for the damn moon. I'm a marvelously fun, interesting friend and a good conversationalist. In fact, if you make it clear that you don't want to play my games but we still think one another is " worth it", I can be exceptionally dependable and fiercely loyal in my own way. Or, get to know me and try to meet me halfway between "informed friend" and "psychotic experiment partner"; provided one is clever and constantly paying attention, I'm most likely just a harmless, charmingly see-through-mercenary, innocent diversion. If someone is dull or careless, however, they'll find that I'm a natural predator.
What happens if you express interest? It could be everything or nothing. It could be destructive and terrible and wonderful, or, nothing could come of it at all. Like I said, I'm a mercenary--the future is always open in my book, and nothing is set in stone. There is always, until I magically discover otherwise, a Better Offer. So, be that Better Offer. Or just have a helluva lot of fun for a little while. Or get to know me and have front-row seats when I *do* find exactly what I'm looking for...or just for the petty destruction along the way. I'd love to strike up some lively e-mail/snail mail correspondences with people--I'm a passionate writer of letters and am dying to find someone interesting who can keep up with me in that respect, too. Or, just friend me on LJ, which doesn't mean a damn thing most of the time, and we'll give each other another person's story to watch.
I don't care what your gender or age or marital/dating status is, or where you live in the world, or how crazy or sane you are, or what you want from me. I'm up for anything--I just want a reprieve from the boredom and someone to correspond with who knows from Day Fucking One the Absolute Truth about me. Would love to hear from you if you're still interested in me, as that makes you an odd, somewhat fierce creature yourself. Or, maybe you're just Back-To-The-Wall crazy, which would be dandy, too. I'm pretty much as mad as the midnight sun myself, obviously.
To clarify: I'm not looking to start drama. This isn't a prank. I'm interested in any and all contact from persons who were interested in *any* way by *anything* contained within this post.
X-Posted to some degree. Mods, blast away if this doesn't belong here.
Thanks for your time.